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Breaking the Fear of Failure Once and for All

Trinna Leong, Kuala Lumpur

I knew that it all stemmed from feelings of frustration that my ideal of wanting to create an impact with my writing is vastly different from the reality of a news industry that is obsessed with clicks. These feelings of helplessness caused me great suffering internally.

Trinna Leong

As a perfectionist, I have always been gripped by my own fears of failure, of being a disappointment, of never being good enough.

At times, I think of myself as a moving paradox on one hand gripped by insecurity while on the other itching to be courageous. Such opposing emotions spill over to my approach towards my career as well.

I grew up wanting to be a journalist, inspired by how news shaped minds and perspectives. However I didn’t take a straight path towards journalism, taking multiple detours before pursuing a master’s in journalism at an Ivy League school.

Facing challenges in the real world

But despite graduating from a renowned university, job hunting was difficult with many relatives and friends questioning my choice of profession. After all, journalists are known to be poorly paid. I eventually found my niche within the news industry, as a field journalist covering major breaking news events from infamous airline accidents to refugee crises, and financial scandals to political assassinations. Behind the facade of the so-called glamorous news life was an incredibly toxic work environment where pageview counts matter more than justice and ethics. I recall having my writing being criticised as atrocious, stories being stolen from me, a direct manager who ignored me on purpose and badmouthed my colleagues and I to appear more capable to the upper management these were the challenges I dealt with regularly.

By 2018, I suffered from extreme fatigue and was burning out fast. I was no longer happy with the job, and mentally and physically ill equipped to do reporting work. I became jaded a far cry from when I first began with ideals of wanting to write articles that “change the world.” This unhappiness was eating me up from within. I knew that it all stemmed from feelings of frustration that my ideal of wanting to create an impact with my writing is vastly different from the reality of a news industry that is obsessed with clicks. These feelings of helplessness caused me great suffering internally.

Employing the strategy of the Lotus Sutra

I then decided to muster courage again and set new goals. Turning back to my Buddhist practice, I resolved to 1 be absolutely happy and to create value at the workplace, and 2 manifest my potential to the fullest at work.

I knew placing these objectives would also mean switching jobs.I didn’t know where to and what I would do but I didn’t want to veer too far off from the news industry a field that I have grown to love despite all the anguish. Simultaneously, I also began to pour my heart into doing my utmost best to encourage fellow members in their Buddhist practice and introduce new friends to Nichiren Buddhism.

When 2020 came, I resolved to do marathon chanting and hit the refresh button with my approach towards my Buddhist practice. My prayers were infused with a new resolve that I was not going to chant for the sake of chanting but to chant with the mindset that absolute victory was already at my fingertips.

On top of that I decided to be courageous and resigned despite not having any job offers at that time and to trust my own prayer that the best results and best laid plans would pan out in due time.

The day I resigned was before anyone knew that a pandemic and lockdowns were coming. By the time my notice period was up, I was in the middle of the first Movement Control Order and I had no clue what I’d do next.

I remember getting a lot of criticism for throwing in my resignation letter from relatives who said I was foolish and ungrateful that I had a job to friends who asked me to retract my letter, given that the economy had ground to a halt. But I still chose to leave as I refused to compromise my happiness.

Trusting the Buddha nature within

Trinna Leong APAC 2022

This was a battle against my own fundamental darkness.

After eight months of fervent chanting, I received an offer from a technology company to run newsroom training across Southeast Asia, giving free newsroom training to help journalists and editors upskill themselves in the digital age. Although this was a contract role, the scope of work fits my prayer objectives perfectly to derive joy while creating value and also enable me to truly manifest my potential.

A lot of what I do focuses on creating more fact checking awareness, empowering newsrooms to confidently produce more engaging content. Another aspect of the job is running media literacy projects involving engagement with local grassroots organisations in different countries to prevent false content from spreading. 

I ended my two year contract with the company on a high note, after being tasked to run two major campaigns in the Asia Pacific region. First was an annual misinformation summit bringing together fact-checkers, academics and journalists to discuss and share ideas on how to combat misinformation at the grassroots level. In 2022, there were nearly 2,000 registrants with a Nobel Peace Prize laureate as the keynote speaker. Second was a verification campaign targeted at introducing fact-checking to youth which ran in eight languages, receiving over 4,000 participants and 38,000 views online.

The way forward

TrinnaI am immensely grateful for the opportunities given to me and it was an actual proof that a prayer with deep resolve can open the path to victory. What I do now is basically turning dreams into action, producing contributive work and helping local newsrooms thrive.

Years of working have taught me that hard work, efficiency and talent are key elements but more importantly, one needs to have good fortune to thrive. In situations where managers do not value my hard work and achievements, and when I hit the glass ceiling, what can I do? The answer is simple yet hard to do – keep chanting Nam myoho renge kyo with full conviction that I am a Buddha and I am victorious.

Through prayer, I have overcome my own fears, be at the right place at the right time to meet the right people who would provide me opportunities I needed to shine. Upon ending my contract, I was fortunate that my manager offered to have me as an external consultant, with a retainer fee that is higher than my previous salary.

This has been a long journey and one that hasn’t even reached its midpoint! Through it all, my mentor SGI President Ikeda’s words have been a source of motivation to not succumb to my inner demons and not give up.

“Prayer is the courage to persevere. It is the struggle to overcome our own weakness and lack of confidence in ourselves. It is the act of impressing in the very depths of our being the conviction that we can change the situation without fail. Prayer is the way to destroy all fear. It is the way to banish sorrow, the way to light a torch of hope. It is the revolution that rewrites the scenario of our destiny. Believe in yourself! Don’t sell yourself short! Devaluing yourself is contrary to Buddhism, because it denigrates the Buddha state of being within you.

I’ve learnt to accept and embrace my own Buddhahood and to never sell myself short ever again! With that I am determined to continue to be a trailblazer, and merge my Buddhist values with my work, bringing hope and awareness especially to youth and young journalists.

Adapted from January 2023 COSMIC

Siow Yoon Kee had a long-standing ambition to become a doctor since his secondary school days. However, his motivation to save lives had not taken deep root.

During his college years, he battled gastrointestinal diseases and sought medical treatment from numerous doctors but to no avail. Coupled with a demanding schedule, he experienced immense stress and despair, even contemplating ending his life. Eventually, through the power of chanting Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo (daimoku), he realised that his illness was a consequence of an irregular lifestyle, and acknowledged his own arrogance and negligence in his faith. This profound experience led to a shift in his perspective on the purpose of becoming a doctor.

After graduating, he was filled with joy and excitement on his first day of work, being addressed as a doctor. However, that excitement didn’t last. The overwhelming workload, long hours, and the constant fear of being reprimanded for mistakes quickly diminished his initial joy. As a result, the tough realities of the job made him less motivated and less excited about the work he had to do.

Yoon Kee reflected, “I would feel annoyed by patients, especially during night shifts when they complained of pain. I would question them with a skeptical tone. It seemed like I had become a terrible doctor, losing my passion for the job. During those unpleasant days, it was through repeatedly chanting the daimoku that I gradually reflected on my own attitude.”

“I recall a training session for the Beacon Group, a medical group within Soka Gakkai Malaysia, where our seniors encouraged us to face the Gohonzon with our most authentic selves. Inspired by their guidance, I wholeheartedly put it into practice and truly felt the profound joy that daimoku brings. Chanting the daimoku is indeed the greatest of all joys.”

Doctor Siow Yoon Kee

The power of daimoku awakened a profound sense of compassion in Yoon Kee, inspiring him to strive in his human revolution and towards becoming a doctor who could genuinely listen to his patients’ voices.

“After a change in mindset, it was incredible how I found myself wanting to treat patients like family and making an effort to truly listen to their words. My colleagues also noticed that I was more energetic and confident.”

However, transformation takes time and effort. Yoon Kee realised that the biggest hurdle for a doctor is their own sense of superiority. Therefore, his aim was to cultivate resilience and to serve selflessly without seeking personal gain. With the goal of becoming a skilled listener, step by step he made steady progress.

“Once, there was a patient in the final stages of cancer who told me he felt hungry and wanted something to eat. Although I was busy with work, I took a couple of minutes to feed the patient before tending to other patients and resuming my duties. Sadly, the patient passed away thirty minutes later. It was a moment that made me appreciate the power and significance of chanting daimoku, as it enabled me to be there at a crucial time and fulfill the patient’s last wish.

“On another occasion, there was a patient who complained to me, pointing out, “You see, my hands are still swollen, and the medication you prescribed is not effective!” In that moment, I patiently reassured the patient, emphasizing the importance of trusting in the medication’s effectiveness. I assured them that if they maintained their belief, they would experience improvement quickly. As a result, after a few days, the patient’s hand recovered, and the swelling subsided.”

Yoon Kee’s transformation became increasingly apparent over time. Through the practice of faith, he has been forged into becoming a doctor with a sense of mission who confronts the challenges of society with determination. While he humbly recognizes his own areas for growth, he consistently emphasises his resolute dedication to becoming a proficient listener and continuously improving himself.

Adapted from Cosmic May 2017

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